Random Thoughts While Running for the First Time Since I was 14

I can do this. Yeah. Not so hard. Kind of fun actually!

{three seconds later}

Fuck this. This hurts. My lungs hurt. Why do people do this?

No, keep going. This is good for you, you're burning so many calories.

{two seconds later}

You know what? I like my body the way it is. I'm not fat, I'm curvy. Guys like curves, right? Like, Marilyn Monroe or something, right? Yeah, Fuck it. I can just be fat forever.

I think my left lung just exploded.

Is that my own ass slapping against my thigh or have my shorts come down?

Nope. It's my ass.

How did I do this in high school?!

Oh, right. I didn't. And I was 50 pounds lighter.

How did I get so fat? 

Oh, right. Cheeseburgers.

Am I peeing?

No, just sweat. I think.

God this hurts.

Little further.

How much further?

Like, that lightpole down there. Yeah, stop there and walk a while.

Or....maybe just stop here. Yeah, here's good. Slow down and walk a while. Or lay down. How uncomfortable could gravel be? Might be nice.....I miss cheeseburgers.

Now I'm almost positive I'm peeing. 

Don't you wet yourself when you die? 

I think I just died. I'm probably already dead.

Ok, I've run a while now and I was going really fast. Time to stop and check my running app:

Annnnnd I ran two miles even slower than I walked two miles last week.

Awesome.